feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
