i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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