highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize