Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
