please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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