So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
