Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
