I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
