Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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