tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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