Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
