just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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