I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
