ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
