I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
