i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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