God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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