If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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