I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This is the high leading the old right now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
