fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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