I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
