tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
