what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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