yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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