gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
