Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
