Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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