Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
not ubering you a puppy
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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