i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
