you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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