i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
