I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
