my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
please come you make the beer taste better
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
