I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
