Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
