I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
