I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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