i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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