Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
