i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
