Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
