I'm eating all of the evidence.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
