I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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