I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
