Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
