There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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