I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
