I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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