Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
