I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
